Day 5. If I said today was an easy and happy go lucky day.. I’d be lying to myself. 5am baby feeding time with a side of your 1st grader climbing into bed already dressed for school (two and a half hours early and an hour before she should be up) can make for a difficult time when you’re trying to get both a 2 month old back to sleep and trying to tell your older child (very quietly) that she needs to close her eyes and go to sleep because the birds weren’t even chirping yet… once breakfast and hair and teeth were taken care of.. off to school it was and then it was just little baby and I today.. actually it’s almost always baby and I… my normally sweet and cuddly sleepy guy decided to take maybe about an hour worth of naps sporadically, which made it stressful for me trying to work. On top of hearing that my mom would not be able to help me during the first week after my surgery (the worst part).. I’m still thinking about the surgery,although I am thankful for my mother in law and her willingness to help out wherever she can, I am not a person who likes to ask for help.. I actually hate asking, because I’m afraid people will say no.. and I’d rather not ask than be let down.. if that makes any sense at all.. needless to say.. after 5pm rolled around I was at my breaking point after trying to look for distractions from people that didn’t come through.. I had to call my husband in tears and ask him to come home. This is that overwhelming anxiety that creeps out in me.. all in all everyone was fine.. my daughter was occupied playing with toys and the baby was changed and fed and clean, but for some reason.. would not stop crying.. I know babies cry.. but this was a new cry… and I’m kind of wondering if the little bit of vaccines we agreed to do, made his body react in this negative way.. thankfully he’s not showing a sign of fever.. it’s just a different cry that I’ve never experienced before.. and after half of the day with this new cry.. I broke. I’ve really been trying not to break, like REALLY trying.. but I’m human, and I have anxiety and stuff happens. Tomorrow is a new day.
Luckily, my husband thought to pick up dinner on the way home and made me eat (props to him for finally remembering and respecting the fact that I’ve completely cut meat out for over a month now) and then told me to rest.. so I did.. I laid in bed for an hour to just calm down (my head was pounding at this point) once I got myself back together …I got up and went to find my daughter and cuddled with her before bed like we always try to do.. sometimes we just need to try to fix ourselves, even if it’s stepping away from a difficult situation to kind of regroup and just try again. It’s very rare that I ever have to check out for more than a couple of minutes to calm down.. today was an exception.. mixing a crying baby that I just want to cuddle all day with trying to work.. it just was not happening today.. working from home and a new baby is bringing a whole new guilt up in my emotions that I never knew existed..
So… in everything that went ‘wrong’ today (by wrong I mean not according to plan).. I’m still here.. we worked through it and everyone is happy and peacefully sleeping.. I couldn’t ask for much more at this point.. I suppose I should try to sleep now too, at least try… anyway.