We Become Alive in a Time of Fear


Day 4. It makes me laugh that I even wrote the number 4.. for some reason over the years I’ve developed almost an OCD kind of hate towards that number.. that goes wayyy back to high school and the number 44, but that’s an entirely different time in my life.. which also happens to be around the same time I stopped abbreviating LAUGH OUT LOUD.. you will never catch me writing anything other than a variation of ‘hahaha.’ It sounds weird, but my friend at the time and I decided to never use it again.. and as far as I know.. we both still stick to that rule. Old habits die hard.

But what a more perfect way to introduce my fourth day writing with learning I need to have my FOURTH surgery to fix a tear in a previous mesh I had put in nearly.. you guessed it.. FOUR years ago hahahha.. I can’t help but laugh at this point πŸ™‚

I’m not a fan of surgeries, especially with just having a C-section barely two months ago, but I do trust Doctors and I know they wouldn’t recommend surgery if it wasn’t necessary…..I’d rather fix the problem before it potentially gets worse and puts me out of commission longer than I have time for…Although I am hesitant with what to tell my boss since I just came back from maternity leave and I’m going to probably need about a week off.. also how does one not lift more than 20 pounds for nearly 6 weeks when your two month old is already pushing 15 pounds.. this could get tricky, but I know it’ll work out. My kids always come first.. even if I’m having a crappy day, I try not to show it.. sometimes it’s hard, but it’s easier when your oldest runs in the door after school with a big hug or when you play peek a boo with your baby and he starts to coo and is beginning little sounds of what I think are something similar to a belly laugh.. either way.. all totally worth it.

When I become afraid, actually fearful, of a situation (example being surgery) I like to get all of my ducks in a row …things like super clean the house, make sure closets are organized and outfits are put together to make for easier school mornings, go super grocery shopping so no extra time has to be wasted running out of things for the kids.. and I know I can’t control everything, but I know how to be organized when necessary.. I like to refer to myself as an organized disaster at times, not because it’s an awful disastrous thing, but because I have so many things to keep organized it becomes a scene of ‘office max meets paper shredder meets hole punch meets three different desks’ in random rooms of the house. But hey.. someone has to take care of things.. might as well add that to my resume I mentioned the other night πŸ™‚ hmmm.. this actually just reminded me I have to find my papers to write up my appeal for insurance for the Judge.. because.. what child with a disability who wears braces on her feet and has low muscle tone among other things deserves to actually have Physical Therapy covered? Heaven forbid we go one quarter without a headache of a battle..

If I had all of the money in the world.. or even just an abundance of it.. instead of going to Walmart and paying off people’s Christmas items like we hear about on the news.. I’d send it to our local place where Emma receives her therapy services and pay for everyone’s sessions for the year, so many kids don’t get the services their bodies NEED because of insurance denials….. I guess we will have to wait until I win the lottery…

So, anxiety wise.. today was good.. despite the surgery news.. my family is happy, my cousin came over to visit, the pharmacy only screwed up my daughter’s seizure medicine once.. which is unheard of… sometimes it can take an hour for them to figure it out even after it was suppose to be ready yesterday… she is the only kid in the entire county using that dose/brand/liquid.. so when we have a pharmacy, we have to stick to it.. some of the pharmacy techs are better than others and we will just leave it at that.

I’m actually excited to just go to sleep… that’s weird for me, but I’ll take it (maybe this whole writing out my random feelings every night is actually working.. whatever works!)


Sognare un dolce sogno

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