a certain darkness is needed to see the stars

outside

Day 11. Definitely a Monday and definitely full of anxiety. Between trying to work and the baby crying and realizing my husband hadn’t even taken out the garbage after avoiding many other things he said he’d do over the weekend… I decided to head to the bank after my daughter got home from school, so she could just chill and listen to music and the baby could sleep.. 15 minutes into our drive the baby started to cry and Emma tried helping by showing him her favorite bunny.. this basically made my heart melt… It’s so nice to see how gentle and sweet she is with the new baby, especially when everyone was afraid of how she would react since she was an only child for so long… but she is wonderful with him 🙂

Anyways.. all of a sudden I realized the gauge for my engine was up really high and then I noticed a slight shaking.. and THEN the check engine light came on… I tried to accelerate, but it didn’t really want to go.. so I pulled off onto a side road and then I heard a BOOM from the engine.. now both kids were crying because I was on the phone with my husband, basically yelling about how he was suppose to take my car in a while ago and now…. I’m on the side of the road with two crying kids… luckily my mother in law was in town and came to pick us up fairly quickly and I do have another car to use for the time being… but seriously, what a pain. I just got my car this past summer.. because I needed something bigger than what I had with the new baby. I realized the kids were getting more upset because they could tell I was upset.. so I sucked it up and started taking selfies with them on my phone to distract them while we waited.. it worked and everyone was happy within a few minutes.

Normally, I would be upset and dwell and my ears would feel like burning and my heart would be going 100mph, but it took me all of 10 minutes to calm down.

I calmed down because I realized… yes, this is a problem and it sucks, but when I called my mother in law she came to help right away and when I called my husband (despite my being upset) he still figured everything out with getting my car towed and fixed… so… even though something unfortunate happened.. it did make me realize who is there.. who I can count on in a time of need… it didn’t matter if I was upset and saying things I don’t even remember at this point, they still all came through… even my father in law and our friend, bobby (who was quick to mention that I still needed new brakes – inside joke;)… so even though there are many many days where I feel alone and that no one is there to help.. things like this happen and I realize that isn’t true at all.. it’s all just a part of my anxiety playing games with my mind and I need to stop being afraid to ask for help.

Sogni d’oro

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