This is the beginning of anything you want

boothlakeWell, this is the very first post on my very first blog site.. here goes nothing…

Last night I decided I was going to try something different, and here we are.. being open with a world of both friends and strangers isn’t usually the road I choose to travel down, so this blog is definitely my something different..

If you know me at all, you know that I usually move at warp speed on any given day. In turn, this has created turmoil within myself and has effected my overall well-being and close relationships. After some therapy and doctor visits I learned that I have Generalized Anxiety and Panic Disorder. In the most simplest words.. my mood goes from awesome to overwhelmed very quickly.. it can be something as simple as the noise of a text popping up on my phone that can make this switch happen. Once that happens I start to think.. think about everything and then over think those things which in turn then will cause me to panic and if that doesn’t lead to an actual panic attack.. it will lead to a mood swing that causes me to doubt everything.. which then turns into not being able to sleep because I start worrying about something as simple as why I had low air in my tire three weeks ago.. and will my tire blow up tomorrow.. I know it sounds silly, but that is one example of my thought process.

I am learning (always learning) how to naturally handle these situations, but I will tell you that I am very thankful for my close friends, even some not so close friends, and family who understand and accept me when I’m at my worst and help bring me back to ‘normal’ when I’m having ‘a day.’

Most people who know me, know that I am a social person. I love to get out and try new things, I love music, all music – playing, singing, listening, dancing – you name it and I’ll welcome it in.. I love being a part of projects that help other people, especially when other people include kids and adults in the disability community.

I am a special needs mom. That in itself should be a job title that could be compared to the President. I am on the phone most days making appointments, following up on tests, getting referrals, calling on insurance issues (there are ALWAYS insurance issues), writing appeals, writing up plans of care, reading progress reports, keeping record of what’s not correct on said progress reports, ordering supplies, and my email blows up constantly .. on top of the grunt work.. I’m also a chauffeur. I put almost 100,000 miles on my little Chevy Sonic (thank you for that awesome gas mileage) in three years.. I worked from home, online, throughout those three years.. those miles are from Doctor appointments and therapies.. not to mention extra activities that are a fun alternative to actual therapy – water skiing and horse back riding come to mind and when you live in rural Wisconsin.. nothing is close.  The list of job duties range from cook, personal shopper, caregiver, advocate, pharmacist, Physical, Occupational and Speech therapists to Psychologist to neurologist to a nurse… you name it, I know a little bit about everything.. that’s what an average of 3 appointments per week for 6+ years will do… it gives you education by association/hands on training.. if that isn’t a thing.. it should be, maybe I’ll add that to my resume :). I am proud of all of the ‘special needs parents’ I know.. they are the strongest people I know. You may know someone who has a high paying job that keeps them busy and running around, but until you know what it’s like in our shoes.. you will never know what busy actually is…especially when your well-being is put on hold for the needs of someone who needs everything you can give and more, and you give it to them.. mentally, physically, emotionally.. no questions, no regrets.

It took me a while to admit that I was in fact a special needs parent. I think every special needs parent takes a little while to accept that your child is ‘different’, but once you do.. you realize that ‘different’ isn’t always bad. Is it hard? Yes, on most days, but it’s not bad. An entirely different part of a world you wouldn’t even have noticed existed just opens up.. your circle of friends changes dramatically.. you learn fairly quick who will be in your life and who won’t.. whether it be friend, family or even a spouse.

So needless to say.. this is my life and I wouldn’t change it at all. We have a brand new baby boy and a beautiful (almost 7 now) daughter, a place to call home, good careers, a lot of family.. but here I am being a spaz :-p

So, in light of getting this anxiety/panic diagnosis, I’ve decided to write in my  Living On Purpose Blog every day for a year and document my journey.. because sometimes “All you need is the plan, the road map, and the courage to press on to your destination.” (and who doesn’t feel more obligated to follow through once it’s on the internet;)


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